


Runaway

by baekkieony



Series: Different Directions Of Love [12]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Cutting, Death, Hurt, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Please Don't Hate Me, Starvation, Starving, This is literally shit, When i say angsty i really mean very angsty, angsty, bulimic, mental issues, please help me, sekai - Freeform, someone help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:03:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: And Jongin wants to run, fast and faster, away from his responsibilities, straight to the toilet, because he just feels a little more acceptable when he knows he doesn't have to keep even one calorie in. But little does he know that he's running away from himself with every step he's taking towards the toilet.





	Runaway

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toastyhyun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastyhyun/gifts).



> I wrote this to relief some stress and to handle my depressions better. I wanted to dedicate this to @toastyhyun, because her/his story "release" really really helped me to finally write about my own experiences. So this is my way to say thank you and i hope you'll enjoy this as much as your story helped me writing it!  
> Again, I'm not a native english speaker, so I apologise for mistakes and bad english in general.
> 
> Feel free to yell at me and everything!

Jongin's humming a small melody, a melody of a boy who wanted to run away and find paradise, because this world hasn't got enough for him and isn't ever enough for him and maybe the boy is also running away because the world decided that it didn't want him anymore.

Jongin holds his head under the hot and blissful stream of water pouring down on his head and drenching him completely wet. He hopes that when he opens his mouth only enough that he's able to drown himself alive and little does he know that it would most likely not succeed like it did all the time.

He shuts down the shower and tries to rub off his hot and red skin with an uncomfortable towel and he doesn't suceed this time, but one day it'll happen and then he can rub it all off, the hate and hurt and the insecurities bothering him, keeping him close to them.

He doesn't even consider dressing first anymore, his way goes to the toilet and with every steps he's taking towards the toilet he's also taking a step away from being  _never enough_.

Jongin smiles when he kneels down in front of the toilet and he's smiling when he's throwing up acid and he's smiling when he's cutting himself open this night, with the taste of bile still on his lips and his other scars itching like never.

When Jongin passes Sehun's room after rushing out of the bathroom, because he's disgusted by himself, he stops and stays still for a second, considering if this would be good place to die, because  _he_ rooms with Sehun and  _Jongin_ has to play pretend that he's the only one for Sehun and Sehun's the only one for him, while his thoughts are only running over  _him_.

Jongin decides against knocking and runs away, away like he did all the time, because he can't handle the consequences of his own dumbness thinking somebody like  _him_ would really love something like  _Jongin._

His windows are still open when Jongin runs into his rooms and the loud bang of the door is making them shake in fear, and Jongin ask himself if this is how his body must has been shaking every time he saw  _him._

"I wanna runaway", the song keeps playing inside Jongin's head, loud and louder, noisy and catchy, because in his opinion, the lyrics are just true and Jongin wants to runaway, too. Only a little. 

Jongin rolls around in his bed for the fifth time, windows open, because it's summer and hot and Jongin feels lonely and the night outside doesn't sound lonely at all. He'd like to get Sehun, because Sehun would cuddle him and tell him he's perfect where he isn't, when  _he_ can't be there for Jongin, and Jongin just wants to love Sehun, too, but he can't quite bring himself to be the person everybody would love to see.

The loud screams of the thunderstorm outside are howling through Jongin's windows, into his ears and scream inside of his head, but Jongin just wants to  _sleep and just sleep_ , so he begs and begs to god to let him for fucks sake sleep and keeps begging but never expects an answer, because  _god_ has left him a long time ago.

It's ringing in his ears, the fear of getting catched, of being attached and then Jongin's screaming too, because he only feels lonely and he's craving for company who left him long ago, because the company decided that it didn't want him anymore. His lungs are hurting and he would like to scream a little more, but there's nothing more to scream out, just hurt and  _fucking hurt, hurt in his heart, hurt in his brain, hurt._

Jongin's a loner, a maniac, a screamer, a believer and a hoper, but he hopes for things uncatchable and believes in things completely false. 

So after all, Jongin's just another person in the world, another star in his entertainment, another line in a story, another notch in  _his_ bedpost and Jongin feels lost in himself, because he doesn't know what he even is anymore beside _lonely_.

Jongin bets he never felt so ugly before.

So he cries and cries and cries, until there aren't tears, aren't screams, only hollow and darkness, eating him alive, because  _his monsters never sleep_.

He's not even sorry anymore, when he's reaching towards the nightstand and grabbing this one shiny thing, lifting it and pressing it down on his wrist only a little, just enough to bleed until there's no blood to bleed, because isn't this a great night to die with thunder in the background like a firework, an orchestra only singing for him. And he feels accepted, acceptable, because don't they always say "no pain no gain"?

Jongin bleeds and bleeds, he's bleading when he stumbles to the bathroom, he's bleeding when he opens the toilet, he's bleading when he sticks his finger down his throat and he's bleeding when he throws up everything, because aren't insecurities made to be thrown up?

And when he slumps down the toilet, he's crying, because maybe the tears came back and fill his head with hate and disgust again and when he hears Sehun shouting for him, sees him running into the bathroom through the dizziness in his head and feels him falling on his knees and knows he's calling the ambulance, Jongin decides it's really a good night to die even if he cries so much.

Jongin feels how the blood seeps through the thin fabric of his shirt, feels how it rushes to an end with him and then he screams with Sehun who cries for him - maybe with him - who's screaming his name, crying that he'll always love him and Jongin would like to smile and he tries, so so badly and he manages it somehow even if it's a very very sad smile without sparkle in the eyes.

Then his eyes go shut and Sehun's sure he stopped breathing, because there's no pulse at all, and Jongin just lies there and keeps smiling an sad smile Sehun can't return, because it wasn't his name Jongin was screaming, and it wasn't him who Jongin was smiling at; it was Chanyeol behind him.


End file.
